Never Again
by Miasen
Summary: Written for a challenge here on ffn, a weird little oneshot all about Spike and some nasty demons! Might fall under the category Crack!Fic. Heh.


Title: Never Again

Author: Mia aka Miasen

Disclaimer: Sadly enough I don't own Spike. Don't sue me, please?

Rating: T

Spoilers: I sincerely doubt it.

A/N: Written for a challenge on ffn, read and enjoy my sick imagination! Takes place some unknown time after he got the chip in his head. It's my first try on a BtVS fic, so I would love some feedback!

Never Again

Spike walked through the deserted cemetery, sword held casually over his shoulder. This whole chip-in-the-head thing might make it impossible to hurt people, but luckily it didn't care how many demons he killed. So, whenever he felt bored or just wanted to beat the crap out of someone he found his way to one of the many cemeteries scattered around Sunnydale to find some demon to go badass on.

Unluckily for Spike this seemed to be a rather quiet night. There weren't a sound to be heard except the noise his boots made on the ground as he stomped around. Where were the bad guys when one needed them? Maybe he should've hooked up with the Scoobies tonight, they never seemed to have trouble finding someone that was out to destroy the world and needed stopping.

Just as he was about to give up he heard the faint sound of whispering not too far away. He snuck nearer to see if it was someone he could take out some frustration on.

As he peeked out from behind a crypt he wanted to jump around in joy. Not only one demon, but seven! He only hoped they would put up a fight to weigh up for the so far quiet night. He took a closer look at them. They didn't look like someone he knew, and they didn't look like they were up to anything good, so he guessed he was all free to take them down.

All seven of them were pretty much identical. Thin, greasy black hair that hung over green scaly skin. Faces that not even their mothers could find attractive. They were about his height, and a bit heavier set than him as far as he could make out from beneath their black and blue robes.

Your standard Sunnydale occupants in other words. Spike cocked his head slightly as he watched them. They were doing some kind of ritual, not one he was familiar with, and hopefully not something he would need to familiarize himself with. Researching wasn't really his thing, it was much more fun to just beat the crap out of them and hope that stopped them from doing whatever they where doing.

He felt that he had done all the recon work he needed and stepped out from behind the crypt, coughing slightly to make them aware of him.

"What do you want?" one of them said, remarkably unaffected by his presence. Spike had really hoped for more of a reception. The whole leather duster, vamp face and sword really should make them tremble out of fear, but obviously it took a little more.

"I'm Spike." He said and added a little growl just for effect.

"Well, Spike, would you mind getting out of here? We are trying to open a gateway to hell, and we really need to concentrate," the same guy said. Spike didn't think it was very polite ignoring his whole menacing look, but at least they were well-mannered, hopefully that didn't mean they were bad fighters.

Gateway to hell? Obviously they weren't up to anything good. Spike took a moment to really look at what the demons were doing. Gateways to hell were an old classic in Sunnydale, and it was always fun to see how different demons and groups did it.

The crypt wall behind them was covered in some black paint. Different symbols and runes and God know what were intertwined in some sort of weird pattern.

"What ever happened with the good old sacrifices to open the gates of hell eh? Graffiti? That's a new one. What's next, you are going to pull out your skateboards and skate around down there while listening to some bloody rap music?" Spike really weren't impressed by these guys, and weren't afraid to show it.

The cheeks of the demon that had addressed Spike earlier suddenly seemed to grow darker, as if he was- blushing? Spike couldn't believe his own eyes. Then the demon lowered his eyes as if was ashamed and looked over his shoulder. Spike followed his gaze and was thoroughly surprised when he saw seven skateboards leaning up against a tombstone.

"Bloody hell, you got to be kidding me. You really are going to skate to hell? You daft wankers!"

"Hey! Skateboards are the new thing down there! Everyone got them! Why do you think we went up here? It's not like they sell them down south!"

Spike was at a complete loss as to what to say. This was the weirdest demons he had ever encountered, and that was saying something. He tightened his grip on the hilt of his sword and took a step closer.

"You are not being serious are you? Please tell me you were kidding and really are going to fetch old Satan himself from hell to wreck havoc or something? Please tell me that you are not here only to fetch skateboards? Cause then I'll have to chop your head off just for being soddin' idiots!"

"Now why would we want to bring him up here? Who would make skateboards if he were destroying your world?"

"That's it, I really don't know what this is all about, but I'm getting really annoyed here, and I really want to have a bit of fun, so what do you say? Anyone up for a little fight before you all go skating?"

Spike didn't have to wait long for his answer, as all of the seven demons soon rushed towards him. They reached inside their robes, and Spike was certain they were going to pull out some kind of weapons. When he saw what it was he almost dropped his grip on the sword. Seven demons were now rushing towards him, all brandishing carrots. They were waving them around like it was some kind of weapon.

"Oh sod off," Spike mumbled to himself as he brought up his sword and took off the first guys head. Sadly enough for him none of the demons put up much of a fight and soon he was surrounded with dead bodies and random body parts.

"They were some crazy fuckers," he said aloud to himself as he dried off his sword on one of the demon's robes. If only he had known that the worst weren't yet to come.

As he turned around and started on his way towards the exit, quite pleased with the way he made his duster billow around him, he heard a whistling sound from behind. He stopped abruptly and turned to see what it was. The strewn demon parts suddenly weren't very dead anymore. They were all creeping towards him. Arms dragging bodies, feet kicking heads in front of them. All the while the heads kept whistling some tune he soon made out to be some sort of bloody annoying pop tune very popular these days.

"What the hell! You were supposed to be dead! Leave me alone!" That song was really freaking him out. He brought up his sword again and started chopping away as the demons came close enough. Soon there were nothing but goo and tiny demon pieces left, but the song just kept on playing and the pieces just seemed to creep closer and closer. It was like it was it was attracted to him, like he was some giant magnet for demon goo.

"Sod off!" he screamed in panic and tried to run away. That was a bit difficult seeing that the demons, or what was left of them, had completely surrounded him.

As he was spinning around himself, looking for a way out the goo all of a sudden changed colour to a dark brown and a smell of chocolate drifted from it. Spike couldn't do anything but stare. This was really the weirdest night he had ever experienced, and he really regretted not staying home. He could've been sitting in his nice little crypt and been watching TV, but no, he just had to go out demon hunting.

As the now brown goo started to swirl around him he gave up looking for a way out and just jumped, hoping his vampire agility would bring him clear of it all. It didn't. He landed in the middle of the swirling goo, and all he could say before being swallowed by it was; "Soddin' hell."

* * *

Spike sat up so fast he almost rolled off his bed. Even though he didn't need to breathe he took a few deep breaths to calm himself. It had all been a dream. A really bad dream. As he fell back on bed he noticed a piece of paper crumbled beneath his bare back. He pulled it out and looked at it. Candy paper. He crumbled it up and threw it on the floor where it joined many other of its kind. Spike grunted. The whole stuffing his face with candy and mixing it with booze last night right before he went to bed? Obviously not a good idea at all. He swore then and there that he would never eat candy or drink booze again (or at least not mix them) if that meant he would never have to relive that whole skateboarding demons dream ever again.

A/N: This is easily the weirdest thing I've ever written. I was browsing the forums on ffn, and found this challenge, The Monthly Fandom Challenge, and just had to write something. The challenge was that we should write a one-shot and had to include candy, sword and graffiti. It was really late, and this is what I got… It was a lot of fun writing; I really have to say that! Please leave a review, I'd love to hear what you all think!


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